He Loves Me Not? He loves Me?
By Jodie Chettle
What does it feel like to be bought into the world and then abandoned by those closest to you? Jodie Chettle takes us on a rollercoaster ride from foster care, to adoption and finally forgiveness.
I was born into what you could call a dysfunctional family. There was little love and attention that is so important for a child’s growth. My parents separated and the courts decided that I should be put into the care of my Father. After a few years he was unable to cope with a young, demanding child and so I was put into short term foster care which means you get moved every 6-12 months. Then at the age of 7 was adopted.
From Pillar To Post - A Pantomime
Having been passed around to different homes, I grew up finding it very difficult to trust people. Moving was easier if there weren't friends to say good bye to. My experience of foster care was dramatic if nothing else. I remember being about six years old and having to be restrained on the floor, with my arms behind my back and someone sitting on me because I was out of control. In my teenage years, I was angry, bitter, and, although I didn't realise it at the time, I felt unworthy of stability. I hated the world and felt that I owed no-one a favor. My security was in myself because I was the only person that had got me this far. My adopted parents, gave me love, attention and a stable family life but this didn’t seem to be enough. I still found faults in most things they did. They would spoil me with gifts. Christmas was amazing and holidays came several times a year. I began to expect things and took them for granted.
Try A Bit Of This Or That
I rebelled against all types of authority that tried to control me. I was repeatedly suspended at school, mainly for fighting and once for throwing a firework at a girl. I had visits from the police, was taken to the police station for stealing, I smoked cigarettes and cannabis, and drank from a young age. At 13 I would regularly steal vodka bottles from my parent’s alcohol cupboard and drink them on the street with my friends. Getting people to go into the shop and buy my 20 pack of Superking Black became a daily event. Being bad brought attention and I liked it so I tried hard to keep up my reputation. I was the hard girl that everyone was scared of. I knew how to use my aggression to get what I wanted. People did from time to time, try and challenge me, but they never did try a second time!
A Change Of Scenery
I’d gone to church from the age of 10 with my friend. It was a nice church with good intentions. I made some nice friends and the christian concepts were idealistic, however, I never took it too seriously and didn’t really see how a lot of it applied to me. I moved churches when I was 15 to go to a youth group. I met a lady called Janette who befriended me and for the first time made me feel good about who I was. She loved me and I felt for the first time that I was of value to someone outside of my family. Sometimes you meet people you click with straight away - she was one of these people. I had told my story a hundred times before but this time, with Janette, was different. I felt teary as I was told it. I’d never let myself be like this in front of anyone before unless it was a tantrum!
On one occasion after a few years, she took me to speak to a leader at church about my past. I reeled off the story no problem. He prayed for me and after talking about my upbringing, my biological parents and my feelings towards them he encouraged me to pray for them and challenged me on forgiveness. It was the hardest thing I had ever been asked to do. I wanted an apology before I would even consider forgiveness. But somehow I thought my peace of mind could be unlocked if I could let the grudge go. I knew I could reel a speech off, but when it came to saying to God that I wanted to forgive my parents, I couldn’t do it. I broke down in tears!! I had originally thought that this was who I was and that I had been mature enough to not let my life story affect me but I realized now that the past had shaped who I was, a hardened young adult.
Eventually I said it. “I forgive you!” It was hard because it was real but this was the first time I felt free. The world didn't owe me anymore. I could actually leave the past behind.
What Happened Next...
My birth Father has recently tried to make contact with me. This took me by surprise at first, but after thinking about it I realised I have never heard his side of the story. Maybe he wants to say sorry and after doing this myself how could I not give him a chance for the same freedom. God has changed my perspective on my life experience so much. I had previously thought that my parents were selfish by giving me away, but now I see things from a new angle. I know now that my life had been chaotic, my dad had tried to look after me, but he had to work a lot to provide for his family, he had a new wife and a child on the way. It was all too much for him and it meant that my needs were not being met. He did try but became aware of his inability to care for me so did what he thought was best. He gave me up hoping and believing that someone else would do a better job than he could at that time. I know now that God was watching every move and was working out a plan that would mean I was safe and protected – even though it doesn’t sound like the conventional up bringing – it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I grew up in a stable family home with loving parents who provided for me and believed in me enough to give me a chance to follow my dreams.
My past doesn't have to dictate my future. It's my turn to make the choices now. Bring on the adventure I say.
Jodie is currently studying Social Care at Sheffield Hallam University and she loves all things pink!