News: What happens next... July 08
June has set us up for an eventful July! Check out our predictions for the month of July. These headlines are sure to turn heads!
Here is our top ten predictions... Enjoy!
Sales Slump
Sales of newspapers and magazines at railway station newsagents’ fall as commuters prefer to read secret intelligence dossiers left on their trains.
Solutions Flooding In
Directors of the All England Lawn Tennis Club decide to convert a number of the outer courts to paddy fields after Wimbledon as flooding in other parts of the world forces up global food prices.
Glass Half Full
Despite continued gloom in the housing market UK consumer spending continues to rise after news that Abu Hamza could face up to 100 years in a top security US jail. Nothing could be as bad as that!
Panic Buying Avoided
Although rising fuel prices and tanker driver strikes threaten the availability of petrol, widespread closure of filling stations is avoided because, unlike in 2000, car drivers now panic but cannot afford to buy.
Car Pooling Craze Hits UK
Car shares to work become increasingly popular as a means of beating the rising petrol prices, inspired by Volvo’s 13, the incredible tale of how one man managed to fit 13 passengers into a Volvo at the expense of a £1000 fine.
Stroke Of Genius
John McEnroe auctions off a portrait of himself painted by Andy Warhol to raise petrol money for the two weeks he visits the UK to commentate at Wimbledon.
42 Is The Magic Number
Since Gordon Brown’s War on Terror policy was voted through in the House of Commons, police stations across the country are inundated by members of the public handing in lists of friends and family they want detaining for 42 days without charge.
Hide and Seek Politician Style
Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell mysteriously go in to hiding after the first western politician is brought to justice for his involvement in the war in Iraq. Now that Boris Johnson has had his collar felt by the Metropolitan police for stealing a cigar case from the rubble of Tariq Aziz’s villa in Baghdad other politicians fear that the long arm of the law will finally catch up with them for their deception and incompetence in the build up to the war against Saddam.
Sugar Coated Mayor
Sir Alan Sugar prepares his manifesto to stand as Mayor of London in 2012, after unequivocal backing from his wife who said that London could do worse.
White House Face Lift
Michelle Obama seeks a major personality makeover from Oprah one month in to the US Presidential race in an attempt to win women’s votes. Political pundits argue this should not be too difficult as the only other option is a 70 year old ex-soldier obsessed with guns and national security.